1. Make a neutral observation – just say what you have observed, what the data shows or whatever.  

Then….

2. Ask  neutral open question.

It’s so simple that it works!  The links above will give you a bit more background information on both stages.

Here’s an example:

1.  Observation: ‘I’ve noticed our meetings usually go well over time.’

2.  Open question: ‘What do you think we could do about that?’

Simple, isn’t it?  Try it and let me know how you get on.

On my daily walk past, there’s almost always someone there taking a photo of a friend with the statue.  I’ve often wondered why the other interesting sculptures in the city don’t attract anywhere near  as much interaction.

The Science Behind the Smile, in the latest Harvard Business Review, seems to provide part of the answer –  we are inherently and deeply social beings.  The author – Harvard Psychology Professor, Daniel Gilbert- summarises the scientific literature on the key to human happiness as being ’social’.  Whilst we  think that we would be happy if only we were wealthier, more famous, an All Black, or whatever, but in fact we are most  likely to be happy if we have strong bonds with  family and friends. What a relief for those of us who have recently realised we’ll never  make the All Blacks!

Happiness is the main focus of the first 2012  issue of the HBR.  After Gilbert’s interesting article , other writers  reiterate the importance of the social component to many positive  measures such as productivity. Outside work, high levels of social support are more likely to lead to longevity, whilst low social support is as bad for your health as high blood pressure.

A later article describes research showing that employees scoring the highest for providing social support are much more likely to receive a promotion in the next year, report much higher job satisfaction , and are far more likely to be engaged by their jobs.

Interesting isn’t it?  And it kind of makes sense on a practical level, doesn’t it? So John Plimmer, the so-called Father of Wellington continues to provide a social  service for Wellingtonians.

The Vital Smarts newsletter suggests an innovative approach to this seasonal challenge in their article titled: The Gift of Forgiveness. They recommend thinking about the stories we  tell ourselves about family feuds. Once we have our story, the villains are fixed and keep to character.  We, of course are always cast in the virtuous role.  As the article says: ‘We can’t feel differently about others until we think differently about them.’ Change the story and you change the dynamics.

The Vital Smarts website was developed around the interesting book: ‘Crucial Conversations’. If you want some more depth before you leap into the family fray, this is a good starting point.

Meanwhile, all of us at Communicate wish you a happy (peaceful) Christmas and a great New Year.

In figuring out the answers to that challenge, remember that the people who are your key relationships don’t need you to be hand-in-hand with them every day. Despite the fantastic contribution you could make to their lives, you will just annoy them if you overdo the relationship building thing.

All you need is for your target person to remember you when you need them to! To achieve this, it appears that the client needs to be reminded of your existence in a reasonably positive way, about every ninety days. That reminder might just be that you have had a brief chat in passing, that you have sent them a useful piece of information, included them in an invite, or, of course, made direct contact.

Every ninety days is only once a quarter. Seems easy and the smallness of New Zealand’s population does make the process easier. Its also it, but surprisingly hard to do in reality. The more you can automate the contact the better. There is a Kiwi networker who does it by his Friday Joke List. If you meet him, he always asks if you would like to be on his Friday Joke email. According to his wife, practically everyone says yes. And there he has it: a regular weekly reminder of his existence. We don’t want everyone doing this, but you could find your own approach.

For some ideas, take a look at Robyn Henderson’s networking tips. Henderson is an Australia, so her ideas are likely to work here too.

We are all busy but for some reason we place so much pressure on ourselves to “get things done before the Christmas break”.

How many of you are chasing your tail to make sure you have things up to date before the last week of December?

We get caught up in a whirlpool that threatens to pull us down and drag us to the depths-just the recipe for getting a bug as we take off to the beach. Or the migraine ,or whatever it is that reduces your chance of a relaxing break.

What I said to the session was how important it was not to lose sight of what is important to you.

The best tips are: Make it a conscious decision (if you were really thinking would you be doing it?)

Work on your ’should’s’ (the have to’s will look after themselves)

Ask yourself “Is this the best use of my time right now”?

Do something different when you get home e.g If you work alone go out and meet others,or if you are surrounded by people at work do something solitary -just for yourself

And finally LOVE what you are doing-life is awfully short

The author, Laura Helmuth, states categorically that there is very little difference between male and female brains, the few differences are minor and do not affect any ability. In fact she describes the ‘Men are from Mars’ view as: “Some of the sloppiest, shoddiest, most biased, least reproducible, worst designed and most over-interpreted research in the history of science…”  Now that’s telling us! And she’s no slouch – senior editor for the Smithsonian Magazine with a PhD in cognitive neuroscience from UCLA, Berkley.

Helmuth says that the research about gender differences of the ‘Men are from Mars’ variety are strongly influenced by the beliefs of the test subjects. So all that handy stuff around spatial ability, empathy, who talks most and  judging people’s emotions , does not relate to gender. Presumably socialisation has a big impact, but any gender differences are not due to the brain’s make-up.

When we are thinking about a communication challenge, don’t make excuses for the brain!  Here’s a link if you want to think about this similarity in the context of your love life. You can expect yourself to be able to  pick up on emotions plus shut up and listen – regardless of your gender.  Now where’s something else to blame?

The other nine myths?

• We only use 10% of our brain:  WRONG
• Snapshot memories are accurate: WRONG
• Its all downhill as we age: WRONG
• We have five senses: WRONG ( she mentions two other senses)
• The brain is hard wired and can’t be altered: WRONG
• A blow to the head can cause amnesia:WRONG
• We know what will make us happy: WRONG
• We see the world accurately:WRONG

Very few people are good joke tellers and even worse, presenters who know they are not that interesting (or even down right boring) think if they start their presentation with a joke somehow the speech will go well.

Jokes are a problem Firstly they are usually old . Secondly you can offend your audience if you tell a joke that is sexist,dirty,racist, religious,ageist ,etc. So really there is very little left in the joke cupboard

What works so much better are stories,personal anecdotes that may or may not provoke laughter but will remain in your audiences minds for a lot longer.

How many of you have been to a comedian  and laughed throughout but can not remember a single joke next day?  It is the same with presentations -we don’t lock in the joke ,what we remember is the story and how it made us feel.

Stories are an essential part of or human condition.We have stored inside us memories of childhood and the stories that are universally shared.   These make the best content for a successful presntation.

So next time you are thinking of livening up your presentation leave out the jokes and replace them with your real stories and anecdotes.Then sit back and enjoy the audiences response.

Well actually it’s number 4 as I had to repeat the 2nd one due to ‘technical’ hitches. Only half of the participants were able to hear me which sort of defeats the purpose

So now I am feeling like I can pass on some of my tips and findings. I realise that 3 doesn’t make me an expert  however there has been some problems which we have overcome…and I’m sure you will find your own.

Tip number 1: Get organised well before you start. You need your water as you will get dry and if possible a ‘helper’ to pass the messages to you as they can come in thick and fast

Tip number 2:Rehearse out loud preferably with someone else.  They can do the timing  and give you feedback on whether you are getting your message across or not

Tip number 3:Be careful with colloquialisms. It’s quite difficult to explain when you have a short time to get through the material and you may be holding up the other participants.

Tip number4: Sound enthusiastic.It’s quite a challenge being excited in front of your laptop but it does sound a whole lot better that reading drone like from a script.

I think I’ve passed the first hurdles and can now discard my ‘training’ wheels and start to enjoy this new way (to me) of working with participants throughout the country