While everyone needs to be aware of their personal presence, as we take on more influential leadership roles, we  need to be even  more conscious of establishing our presence.

 The key to it is simple…..or is it?

Seek first to understand

The message isn’t new:  Great personal presence requires us first to simply be present to others – by listening to them very carefully. Steven Covey sums it up well with his quote: ‘Seek first to understand before being understood.’

This seems very straightforward, but most of us tend to go into conversations focused much more on our own point of view – what we find interesting, what we want to talk about and so on.  This approach certainly establishes presence, but of the wrong sort!  To develop a strong positive presence, we need to focus first on understanding where the other person is coming from in the conversation.  

 Active listening is the key communication tool for keeping ourselves present.  There’s a challenge though, because while listening appears to be simple, it isn’t often easy.  The process requires commitment and real discipline of our conscious thought. Sometimes we have to keep repeating to ourselves: ‘I really want to listen to this person.’  When we manage to focus in this way, we are truly present. There is a very powerful story that captures the magic of this combination in The Power of Presence and Listening: A Fellow’s Narrative by Musharraf Navaid MD, in the Journal of Palliative Medicine.

I also have the added problem (or excuse) that I’m left handed so I have had my uke altered to make it easier for me to play.

Here is the problem-the rest of the group look at each others fingers (you need to trust me here it is part of the learning!) to help them keep up with the new chords we learn each time we meet.  It doesn’t make sense to me as mine is really upside down and back to front.  Needless to say I am persisting and sort of managing to keep up.

The better player in out group has suggested (well told me really) to  ”Not look where you put your fingers on the chords but just go with the music.”     “What !” I replied, “I have to see where they go…”   .

It was one of those moments when I realised what we ask our participants to do when we are coaching  and training them in presentations.  “Put down your notes”.  “You will be fine without them” .”You know your stuff” etc etc.

How difficult it is to lose the ability to check and check again. Yes it interrupts the flow but it makes us feel better…even though I know it will sound better when I don’t peek.

How often do we as adults seek the comfort of what feels easier and safe?   To grow and succeed we do need to leave our comfort zone and take the big step of trusting to do what we know will make a difference.

So next week with the group I will endeavour not to look …it will take masses of practice at home, a lot of big breaths, but if we are going to be the best little band in Wadestown I will need to grow with the others and step outside my comfort zone.

Stay tuned for the next chapter…

As we all know, communication can be a movable feast, albeit with one’s foot in one’s mouth. However isn’t the message the sum of the parts?

For example, parents know their  children can get their message across quite succinctly when they need to, without using the whole Thesaurus.  Mind you, the communication can collapse when the message from the parent falls on deaf ears.

In our experience the emotion behind the message and the emotion of the recipient is essential for effective communication.

 If you are sitting listening to someone eloquently drone on in a bored “I’ve said this many times before” voice,  as a listener you quickly tune out. On the other hand if you are listening to some one who is passionate about their topic, even though  they get the odd word muddled, we still  ’get it’.

Of course all this depends on how the receiver prefers their messages…there is always the odd one who is happy with the bore as long as their PowerPoint presentation is full of obscure interesting research which they can read and then tune out.

Thank goodness for people with passion!

Recently a client was in a final interview and planning to make a senior  job offer to a highly suitable candidate.  Everything appeared to be going well, except that my client suddenly  became aware of a growing sense of uneasiness about the preferred candidate.

Follow up on that intuition

 They had conducted extensive interviews with the person; the referees were all glowing; when my client checked back with the rest of the recruitment panel they couldn’t understand his sudden wariness…but unease it was. Should he insist on pulling back, when up till then everything had checked out well; or should he trust their thorough process?

We discussed what had  happened at the two or three points when he got his gut feel. The comments were: ‘Oh, there was some  slightly negative body language in the candidate that didn’t align with what was being said…nothing much really…’  ‘Later on, I guess I just wondered whether the candidate would be as committed as we thought.  I don’t know why’  

We could call that unease ‘intuition’, but was it?  Gut feel or whatever you call it, I have learnt in positive and negative ways the value of trusting it.  Some years ago a searing recruitment experience decided me that if I ever felt a deep unease that didn’t relate to the evidence, I would at least carefully follow up on that unease.  In my coaching of a very wide range of people, I have found awareness of my intuition to be a very reliable indicator of what is really going on.

 I am very suspicious of ethereal versions of ‘intuition’.  I suspect so-called ‘intuition is just a bunch of minute clues that only we pick up subconsciously – then they build until we notice them as intuition. For more explanation of this, check out: Lifehack.  

If we define intuition as ‘perceptive insight’,  there some useful things for a practical person to tune into:

1. In an intense discussion, we unconsciously pick up very subtle changes in facial expression, skin colouration and nuance of tone.  These are only minute clues until they cluster around a stronger general impression that we then experience as ‘unease’.  Don’t jump to conclusions, but trust the feeling and follow up on your concerns.
2. When you notice a gap between the message communicated in the body language and the message in the words, look carefully at that gap. There are a lot of unsubstantiated claims about the messaging in body language, but research warns us to be alert around this type of misalignment.
3. We also bring to the communication our experience in similar situations.  A relevant but past experience might be almost forgotten yet still trigger an alarm bells in the present. When we think about it afterwards, we will usually remember exactly what that experience was…and its lesson!

Obviously you have to observe the other person very carefully. The weird thing is though, that  to develop your perceptive insight, you have to listen very carefully to yourself.  Be  very alert to your own reactions.  Trust them. Don’t jump to conclusions, but do follow up on your instinct, by asking questions.

 There are some really good tips on listening to your own awareness at a blog with the appealing name of: hellomynameisblog  

So what happened in client’s case?   He decided to insist that the panel take the time to check up on his concerns. Having taken legal advice, they went back to the referees and that turned out to be a very good move.  Put briefly: They re-advertised!

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Well its Matariki now the Maori New Year and as it is in the middle of our very long wet and cold winter maybe its time to make some resolutions and call them choices.

We all can make choices .Whether it is to take a breath and count to ten before we say things that are best not said. or perhaps its time to make the choice of saying what does need to be said -the courageous conversation. And we can always make the choice to enhance our skills and develop our potential -find out what we ‘can do’ rather than what we can’t.

It is a great time to change just think of it as your new New Year-Matariki.

Made to Stick

The authors are brothers.  Chip is a Stanford professor who researched and taught what made ideas stick.   Dan worked in the field of educational publishing and thus need to find out what makes great teachers great.  They realised they had both been focused on the same question: Why do some ideas succeed while others fail?

The result of their work is their book ‘Made to Stick’ and the ideas are enormously useful for presenting as well as many other fields. They have a blog at: Heath Brothers

They pin down six key principles of ’stickability’ and every single one is relevant to making your presentation engaging:

1. Simplicity: We need ideas that are simple but also profound – this is why the Tui ‘Yeah Right’ ads caught on so well.
2. Unexpectedness: We need to generate interest and curiosity: The Air New Zealand body paint ads are a case in point!
3. Concreteness:Ideas need to be conveyed in very concrete terms so they mean the same thing to everyone.  The concreteness gives us a hook to hang the ideas on. Years ago I was very thrilled that my son’s general knowledge when I discovered he knew the capitals of nearly all the states in the US.  It was only later I realised that actually he knew all the ones that had good basketball teams, but  none of the others! The concrete fact of basketball enabled him to easily memorise the city names.
4. Credibility: People must believe the idea. Sticky ideas are credible, but people don’t like lots of facts.  Something that appeals to our idea of common sense seems to work well, even if  it is wrong!  Fears about the risks of vaccination fall into this category.
5. Emotions: We must get people to care about our ideas.Obama’s presidential nomination speech tapped into an emotional surge of hope with the famous lines: ‘Yes we can!’
6. Stories: We need to get people to act on our ideas. Stories get us prepared to respond quickly and effectively. Stories are a major source of motivation for people in every walk of life. Stories can do 1-5 above as well as #6!

By the way, if you are on a school board, Lesley Moffatt provides excellent training and consultation for people working on school and other community boards. She has a blog at: Onboard with Lesley Moffatt

“Wow”, some people said, “How lucky. You have another week in London.”  I totally agree that having another week in London sounds great., however when you have planned to return and you have clients waiting for you, it isn’t so good.

We do a lot of work with organisations going through transformation, so we have learnt a lot about how people best manage themselves during change. For example, we understand the premise: ‘Manage what you can and don’t worry about the rest’

Aha! While the mind can rationalise, the heart, sometimes lets you down. I found it difficult managing when there was no reliable information, so that we didn’t know hour by hour whether we would be able to fly home. 

The news media gave dramatic accounts of the volcano.  It covered  information about previous eruptions and how it could be weeks or even months before it would be safe to fly.  Finally we got good reliable news that we could leave in two days and the relief was enormous.

In hindsight what have I learnt about managing myself during uncertainty?
Firstly it is hard to be logical during change, especially if there are no facts. It is essential that lines of reliable communication are available for all staff
The media like to make things as dramatic as possible; gossip moves in nanoseconds and both are often very wrong.

In future when I’m working with people who are in the middle of change and not in control of it, I will remember my own feelings of helplessness and stress. I will remember that I experienced them until the true facts emerge.  It made me realise   the importance of good communication.

This questioner said he needs to think things through before speaking up.  As a result he often leaves a meeting having said nothing. He has been told that colleagues believe either that he has nothing to contribute, or that he is disengaged from the discussion.  Can you relate to this challenge?

Often the easiest way to contribute is by asking questions and the questions can steer a group that is going around in circles.  Questions can arise simply from listening and enable us to contribute while we guide the group towards a more useful outcome. 

Goal oriented questions are one way to do this - for example:

• What do we need to achieve in this meeting?
• What would you like to be different when you leave this session or meeting?
• What is important for the end user of this xxxx?
• What do we want to be different about the customer experience?

Another simple intervention is to asking clarifying questions, such as: “What is an L.E.T again?” This will let people know you are listening.  You can also use summarising questions to ensure you have understood: “So for you to be comfortable with the new system you require more information on x, y and z?”

To be heard and  to demonstrate that you are involved – ask questions.  For some more suggestions look at an interesting article in the American Chronicle