The author, Laura Helmuth, states categorically that there is very little difference between male and female brains, the few differences are minor and do not affect any ability. In fact she describes the ‘Men are from Mars’ view as: “Some of the sloppiest, shoddiest, most biased, least reproducible, worst designed and most over-interpreted research in the history of science…”  Now that’s telling us! And she’s no slouch – senior editor for the Smithsonian Magazine with a PhD in cognitive neuroscience from UCLA, Berkley.

Helmuth says that the research about gender differences of the ‘Men are from Mars’ variety are strongly influenced by the beliefs of the test subjects. So all that handy stuff around spatial ability, empathy, who talks most and  judging people’s emotions , does not relate to gender. Presumably socialisation has a big impact, but any gender differences are not due to the brain’s make-up.

When we are thinking about a communication challenge, don’t make excuses for the brain!  Here’s a link if you want to think about this similarity in the context of your love life. You can expect yourself to be able to  pick up on emotions plus shut up and listen – regardless of your gender.  Now where’s something else to blame?

The other nine myths?

• We only use 10% of our brain:  WRONG
• Snapshot memories are accurate: WRONG
• Its all downhill as we age: WRONG
• We have five senses: WRONG ( she mentions two other senses)
• The brain is hard wired and can’t be altered: WRONG
• A blow to the head can cause amnesia:WRONG
• We know what will make us happy: WRONG
• We see the world accurately:WRONG

And they’re right in one sense – most people do have a problem giving negative feedback and therefore avoid giving it.  So one up to the strong-minded. There is however a difference between giving negative feedback and doing so effectively.

The reason for giving feedback is to create positive change in future behaviour – the feedback only has ‘no problem’ when the recipient has changed their behaviour in a positive direction. If the person on the receiving end feels bruised and battered or unfairly treated, the impact may be worse than no feedback at all.

So when you are giving feedback, focus on the future change required, rather than it becoming an argument  about who did what and when. Negative feedback should cause a positive adjustment in behaviour, not just provide an opportunity to let off steam.  The Top Ten Checklist for Giving Feedback provides some handy tips – ten of them in fact!

Remember successful feedback is about what happens in the targeted change, not just what leaves your bow.

Get ready to dig deeper.  The disjoint  probably means that the discussion is not focusing on the real cause of the problem. Uuntil the team member owns the real problem, the rest is just window dressing.

1. As you think about the issue, make sure you are focused on the right level.  Is there a deeper trend here that just shows up as a series of surface issues?
2. Ask a source question: Why is this pattern occurring? Have you faced similar issues in other roles in your life? As you pose that question to the team member, don’t be the next person to speak!
3. You can also state a neutral observation: ‘Even though you have suggested some changes you will make, I am getting the feeling that this isn’t going to improve the underlying problem’… and see what happens.

Remember there may be underlying issues you don’t know about.  This article suggests some possibilities.  The poor performance will be caused either by something to do with the staff member, or something to do with the system within the work team – or both.  If your goal is to create positive change, you may need to look around and look deeper.

So what am I talking about?  About three months or so ago a group of us formed a ukulele group. The aim was to learn and develop with an instrument which apparently is easy to play.

We are a diverse group, the only criteria that links us is geographic-we all live almost in walking distance from each other.

Our skill sets range from the musically competent and confident to a couple of first timers including me.

Many of you will have found yourselves in a similar situation at work-thrust together with people from throughout the organisation. Some you know,some you don’t and all with a variety of different skills.

We have no designated leader.  Our leadership comes from the skill groups present. For example our banjo player (who is the most skilled in the group,musically) will demonstrate and share his techniques. Another in the group will start harmonising as we try out a new song and next thing others have joined in. 

We find we have emerging talents being nutured along. One chap will sing a solo while another has found her singing voice-we just need to encourage her  now to sing on her own.

What makes this work so well is we all feel safe to try out new things.  The more experienced are encouraging and offer suggestions rather than criticise.  They demonstrate rather than tell.  Their feedback is always positive.

And our stretch goal came about as a challenge from another ukulele group who were well established.  ”Come and join us for a concert.We will all play a selection and then each group will show off their prowess”.     Or words to that effect.  It felt like a ‘yeah right’ moment but we decided to meet the challenge.

Boy did we practice.  We tried new ways of old songs and then practiced again and again.   Were we Carnegie hall material?  No but on Saturday night in Te Horo we played out hearts out and at the end went home on the bus feeling pretty pleased with ourselves.

You will all know that feeling of successfully accomplishing your goal. Especiallywhen its been a stretch.

So whats next?  A new challenge has been thrown into the group “Lets fill the town hall…”     Watch this space!

And yet we so often read ,or experience, situations when caring seems to have been forgotten.

Caring translates into all our dealings with people not just those closest to us.

• When we deliver a presentation we should ‘care’ about our audience
• When we work with clients and customers we should ‘care’ about them
• As managers and leaders we should care about our staff.

 Yet unfortunatelyoften we get too busy ,or just plain forget to use that core value in almost all of us.

Roger Steare rogersteare.com recently spoke at a meeting  and he talked passionately about the need to get back to using our core values at work. We care about the things that matter close to us -our families (and/or animals!)  and yet so often at work the culture dulls what we know is intrinsically right -the universals that make us civilised.  The too tight job description so we don’t ‘go the extra mile’.  The rules that stifle common sense

Perhaps it’s time to take stock and not wait for a disaster to bring out the best in us .We all do care  it’s now time to show it

I also have the added problem (or excuse) that I’m left handed so I have had my uke altered to make it easier for me to play.

Here is the problem-the rest of the group look at each others fingers (you need to trust me here it is part of the learning!) to help them keep up with the new chords we learn each time we meet.  It doesn’t make sense to me as mine is really upside down and back to front.  Needless to say I am persisting and sort of managing to keep up.

The better player in out group has suggested (well told me really) to  ”Not look where you put your fingers on the chords but just go with the music.”     “What !” I replied, “I have to see where they go…”   .

It was one of those moments when I realised what we ask our participants to do when we are coaching  and training them in presentations.  “Put down your notes”.  “You will be fine without them” .”You know your stuff” etc etc.

How difficult it is to lose the ability to check and check again. Yes it interrupts the flow but it makes us feel better…even though I know it will sound better when I don’t peek.

How often do we as adults seek the comfort of what feels easier and safe?   To grow and succeed we do need to leave our comfort zone and take the big step of trusting to do what we know will make a difference.

So next week with the group I will endeavour not to look …it will take masses of practice at home, a lot of big breaths, but if we are going to be the best little band in Wadestown I will need to grow with the others and step outside my comfort zone.

Stay tuned for the next chapter…

Recently a client was in a final interview and planning to make a senior  job offer to a highly suitable candidate.  Everything appeared to be going well, except that my client suddenly  became aware of a growing sense of uneasiness about the preferred candidate.

Follow up on that intuition

 They had conducted extensive interviews with the person; the referees were all glowing; when my client checked back with the rest of the recruitment panel they couldn’t understand his sudden wariness…but unease it was. Should he insist on pulling back, when up till then everything had checked out well; or should he trust their thorough process?

We discussed what had  happened at the two or three points when he got his gut feel. The comments were: ‘Oh, there was some  slightly negative body language in the candidate that didn’t align with what was being said…nothing much really…’  ‘Later on, I guess I just wondered whether the candidate would be as committed as we thought.  I don’t know why’  

We could call that unease ‘intuition’, but was it?  Gut feel or whatever you call it, I have learnt in positive and negative ways the value of trusting it.  Some years ago a searing recruitment experience decided me that if I ever felt a deep unease that didn’t relate to the evidence, I would at least carefully follow up on that unease.  In my coaching of a very wide range of people, I have found awareness of my intuition to be a very reliable indicator of what is really going on.

 I am very suspicious of ethereal versions of ‘intuition’.  I suspect so-called ‘intuition is just a bunch of minute clues that only we pick up subconsciously – then they build until we notice them as intuition. For more explanation of this, check out: Lifehack.  

If we define intuition as ‘perceptive insight’,  there some useful things for a practical person to tune into:

1. In an intense discussion, we unconsciously pick up very subtle changes in facial expression, skin colouration and nuance of tone.  These are only minute clues until they cluster around a stronger general impression that we then experience as ‘unease’.  Don’t jump to conclusions, but trust the feeling and follow up on your concerns.
2. When you notice a gap between the message communicated in the body language and the message in the words, look carefully at that gap. There are a lot of unsubstantiated claims about the messaging in body language, but research warns us to be alert around this type of misalignment.
3. We also bring to the communication our experience in similar situations.  A relevant but past experience might be almost forgotten yet still trigger an alarm bells in the present. When we think about it afterwards, we will usually remember exactly what that experience was…and its lesson!

Obviously you have to observe the other person very carefully. The weird thing is though, that  to develop your perceptive insight, you have to listen very carefully to yourself.  Be  very alert to your own reactions.  Trust them. Don’t jump to conclusions, but do follow up on your instinct, by asking questions.

 There are some really good tips on listening to your own awareness at a blog with the appealing name of: hellomynameisblog  

So what happened in client’s case?   He decided to insist that the panel take the time to check up on his concerns. Having taken legal advice, they went back to the referees and that turned out to be a very good move.  Put briefly: They re-advertised!

. .

Well its Matariki now the Maori New Year and as it is in the middle of our very long wet and cold winter maybe its time to make some resolutions and call them choices.

We all can make choices .Whether it is to take a breath and count to ten before we say things that are best not said. or perhaps its time to make the choice of saying what does need to be said -the courageous conversation. And we can always make the choice to enhance our skills and develop our potential -find out what we ‘can do’ rather than what we can’t.

It is a great time to change just think of it as your new New Year-Matariki.