1. Make a neutral observation – just say what you have observed, what the data shows or whatever.  

Then….

2. Ask  neutral open question.

It’s so simple that it works!  The links above will give you a bit more background information on both stages.

Here’s an example:

1.  Observation: ‘I’ve noticed our meetings usually go well over time.’

2.  Open question: ‘What do you think we could do about that?’

Simple, isn’t it?  Try it and let me know how you get on.

In figuring out the answers to that challenge, remember that the people who are your key relationships don’t need you to be hand-in-hand with them every day. Despite the fantastic contribution you could make to their lives, you will just annoy them if you overdo the relationship building thing.

All you need is for your target person to remember you when you need them to! To achieve this, it appears that the client needs to be reminded of your existence in a reasonably positive way, about every ninety days. That reminder might just be that you have had a brief chat in passing, that you have sent them a useful piece of information, included them in an invite, or, of course, made direct contact.

Every ninety days is only once a quarter. Seems easy and the smallness of New Zealand’s population does make the process easier. Its also it, but surprisingly hard to do in reality. The more you can automate the contact the better. There is a Kiwi networker who does it by his Friday Joke List. If you meet him, he always asks if you would like to be on his Friday Joke email. According to his wife, practically everyone says yes. And there he has it: a regular weekly reminder of his existence. We don’t want everyone doing this, but you could find your own approach.

For some ideas, take a look at Robyn Henderson’s networking tips. Henderson is an Australia, so her ideas are likely to work here too.

The author, Laura Helmuth, states categorically that there is very little difference between male and female brains, the few differences are minor and do not affect any ability. In fact she describes the ‘Men are from Mars’ view as: “Some of the sloppiest, shoddiest, most biased, least reproducible, worst designed and most over-interpreted research in the history of science…”  Now that’s telling us! And she’s no slouch – senior editor for the Smithsonian Magazine with a PhD in cognitive neuroscience from UCLA, Berkley.

Helmuth says that the research about gender differences of the ‘Men are from Mars’ variety are strongly influenced by the beliefs of the test subjects. So all that handy stuff around spatial ability, empathy, who talks most and  judging people’s emotions , does not relate to gender. Presumably socialisation has a big impact, but any gender differences are not due to the brain’s make-up.

When we are thinking about a communication challenge, don’t make excuses for the brain!  Here’s a link if you want to think about this similarity in the context of your love life. You can expect yourself to be able to  pick up on emotions plus shut up and listen – regardless of your gender.  Now where’s something else to blame?

The other nine myths?

• We only use 10% of our brain:  WRONG
• Snapshot memories are accurate: WRONG
• Its all downhill as we age: WRONG
• We have five senses: WRONG ( she mentions two other senses)
• The brain is hard wired and can’t be altered: WRONG
• A blow to the head can cause amnesia:WRONG
• We know what will make us happy: WRONG
• We see the world accurately:WRONG

I recently went to a workshop where Dave Winsborough talked about the instinctive behaviour of people in crisis. He called it ‘cohesion in crisis’. Cohesion_in_Calamity_HRINZMag2011 (2) If you recall the pictures on TV of strangers helping each other during the February earthquake in Christchurch working  together as a sense as a team without giving thought to their own danger.

The need for people to instictively reach out and group together as we have done since mankind began. This grouping behaviour seems to have other implications.

You will also recall a certain  recent fiasco with Mr Weiner and his odd pictures of himself sent to women who had apparently never met him. So called celebrities tweeting their vacuous thoughts to any one who will listen. Are they seeking to connect and be part of a global group?

So what makes the difference between a group and someone seeking a group?…well maybe not too much.We all need to find others who we can connect with,whether it be in a time of crisis or just an everyday feeling of need

There is  truth in the saying “Individually we are one drop.Together we are an ocean”

Get ready to dig deeper.  The disjoint  probably means that the discussion is not focusing on the real cause of the problem. Uuntil the team member owns the real problem, the rest is just window dressing.

1. As you think about the issue, make sure you are focused on the right level.  Is there a deeper trend here that just shows up as a series of surface issues?
2. Ask a source question: Why is this pattern occurring? Have you faced similar issues in other roles in your life? As you pose that question to the team member, don’t be the next person to speak!
3. You can also state a neutral observation: ‘Even though you have suggested some changes you will make, I am getting the feeling that this isn’t going to improve the underlying problem’… and see what happens.

Remember there may be underlying issues you don’t know about.  This article suggests some possibilities.  The poor performance will be caused either by something to do with the staff member, or something to do with the system within the work team – or both.  If your goal is to create positive change, you may need to look around and look deeper.

‘Practice makes perfect’ is the old adage being applied here.  We now know that a huge amount of practice is what creates high achievement and the success of the hyped Tiger Mom approach is really making the same point.  Knowledge about the brain now tells us that unremitting practice causes the anatomy of the brain to change, so enabling more success in the skill. 

The research quoted by the BBC article makes another important wider point:  If children believe that effort makes a big difference, they will keep trying, whereas if they believe it is all due to innate ability they will stop working on things once they get difficult.  That looks like the value of  self-efficacy again. 

Presumably the value of focusing positive feedback on effort rather than talent would apply to adults as well.  Often we would gain by spending more time on positive feedback with staff and a useful question to ask adults is how they got to be good at something. Almost invariably you will hear a story of lots of practice, whether from sheer love of the task or from straight determination.

Have a go at building your positive feedback on an idea of accomplishment through hard work. There’s a Fortune magazine article supporting this approach.

Interestingly the Training Journal article sees waste-of-time meetings as an unnecessary frustration put in the way of middle managers by  senior executives. While most senior executives know meetings waste vast amounts of time in an organisation, they don’t believe it can be any different.

But meetings don’t have to be  a waste of time  and ensuring that you lead effective meetings  can add considerably to your  mana.  Make sure you seek feedback  about the effectiveness of your own meetings – the research showed that the meeting initiator typically regards the meeting as far more productive than the other attendees!

1. The key to a good meeting is preparation. The research in the white paper found that the average time spent on preparation for a meeting described as ‘productive’ was twice as long (one hour!) as the preparation time for a meeting described as ‘unproductive’.
2. The single most valuable preparation factor is the agenda – even having one is an innovative idea in some meetings!  Keep the agenda very focused on the type of issue meetings are good for – resolving conflicts – Hence an intriguing post on the Life Hacker blog: Make meetings more productive by arguing.
3. Work out  your goal  for each agenda item and ask yourself if a meeting is necessary in order to do that. For example, don’t use a meeting for sharing information – there are loads of more efficient ways of doing that.
4. Use an approach for each agenda item that will enable the meeting to achieve its goal.
5. Order your agenda so you start with a positive item, then wade into the conflicts because they will take the most time; then finish on a positive note.

Start anywhere with these tips and they can make a perceptible difference.  The quality of your meetings could have a big impact on employee engagement.  Despite our negativity about meetings,the research showed that 92% of meeting attendees value meetings as an opportunity to contribute.

* The research was conducted by Info Com which specialises in market research in the telecommunications arena.

Now they have a new CEO who is much quieter and more measured. The members of the senior leadership team get listened to very carefully and ideas are weighed up on quality not presence. As a result the leadership group is working together much more as a team and presenting a united vision to other staff. Apparently, you wouldn’t believe they were the same people.

There’s an interesting Harvard Business Review article on this subject: The hidden advantages of quiet bosses . The authors assert that whilst extroverted leaders are the conventional idea of a good leader, their research showed that  in dynamic and unpredictable environments, introverted leader will often do better.  An extrovert needs to be centre stage and will easily feel threatened by staff who are pro-active and want to think for themselves. Quiet leaders often listen carefully and are more receptive to people’s suggestions.

The idea of the value of quiet leaders isn’t new.  We have poetry on a similar theme written in 500 BC by Lao Tsu., but dynamic unpredictable environments are certainly a major feature of today’s world.  Quiet leaders can really make the most of that uncertainty. Bring on the quiet leaders!

Whether you are extroverted or introverted, maybe the real challenge is to know your strengths and play to them, but also you must understand and counteract your weaknesses.  Don’t stand back and think that you are too quiet to lead a group.  Introverted is not the same as shy.